SUMMARY: Searching for a church isn’t like shopping for new clothes! There are no perfect churches. However, there are guidelines that can help you find a church that you and your family can partner with. Some key questions to ask yourself include: Will I be challenged to grow in my walk with Christ at this church? Will I be encouraged to partner with God on mission, both locally and globally? Will my faith (and my family’s faith) be shaped in all areas of life — personally, relationally, vocationally and culturally? Beware of putting unfair expectations and projecting your hurts from past experiences, and trust that God will guide you.
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I love shopping! No, seriously, I really do. There’s just something about finding a great deal. Over the years, I have tried to instill my spartan shopping habits in my children, but so far … no sale.
The way we shop for an outfit, a car or a new restaurant has over time imbued the way we view church — and finding a new one. While I sympathize with those who can’t seem to find the right fit, treating church like a shopping or consumer experience misses the point.
So how do you find the right church? How do you know your current church is right for you? These are essential questions that many wrestle with. I want to offer up one starting point, two questions and three challenges (or exhortations) for your consideration.
One Starting Point
Just like there are no perfect families, the family of God (aka, the church) isn’t perfect. You’ll never find the perfect church. However, you can find a church that is purposeful. But first, you must release the idea that a perfect church exists. Churches will disappoint, frustrate and, at times, hurt you — hopefully not intentionally.
While no church is perfect, every church should be purposeful — as the Church was birthed out of the mission of God and thus given the purpose to be on mission. Therefore, finding a church is about seeking partnership, not perfection. At the very least, understanding this principle can help you begin to process whether a church is right for you.
Two Questions
This question forms what theologians refer to as ecclesiology. Ecclesiology is the five-dollar word for “the theology or study of the church.” Whether you believe the church is a place you go or a people you are part of will inform your decision about finding, and staying, at a church. If you view the church as a country club or gym membership, that, too, affects your church shopping experience.
I firmly believe that the church is the redeemed people of God who have been brought into a covenant relationship with God through Jesus’ death and resurrection and their faith in Him. As God’s chosen people (1 Peter 2:9), the church exists as God’s missional vehicle that demonstrates the inbreaking Kingdom of God and invites people from every tribe, nation, tongue and people group to turn away from sin and toward Jesus and thus become part of God’s redeemed people.
To live out this reality, I adopt Ed Stetzer’s six biblical markers that comprise a New Testament church. They are:
Once you understand your ecclesiology, which I hope is rooted in the Bible, not your feelings or preferences, you’ll need to figure out what you seek in a church. Over the last several decades, research has shown that church attendees see preaching, music and children/student programming as the most important elements they look for in a church.
I understand why people prioritize these three elements. There’s nothing wrong with this, per se. But in addition to these must-haves, I would like to propose a set of questions that scratch beneath the surface:
These questions will help solidify your choice and identify what church can aid in your spiritual formation, not just your spiritual consumption.
In short, your ecclesiology and the elements you seek in a church will inform your decision to partner with a church, your eagerness to stick with a church … or your exodus from a church.
Three Challenges
During my decades of pastoral ministry experience, I’ve seen many people come and go from churches. I’ve talked with hundreds of people looking for a new church, extensively read books and researched church attendance and membership. Below are my top three challenges, or words of exhortation, to people looking for a church or wrestling with whether to stay at or leave a church.
Over the years, I have experienced Christians coming to a new church with either unfair or unreasonable expectations, bringing what they liked and/or didn’t like from their previous church — beliefs, practices, values, culture, structure — and projecting their disappointment on the new church.
This is similar to what Joannie and I experienced early in our marriage. Joannie projected things that her dad did on me, and thus she wanted me to do. For instance, her dad would change the spark plugs in the family vehicles, so she also expected me to change the spark plugs. The problem? I didn’t even know what a spark plug was!
Guard yourself against requiring your new church to be everything you liked and/or didn’t like from your previous church and pastors. You can’t customize your church experience the way you customize your Whopper at Burger King. On the other hand, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to have some non-negotiables when looking for a church.
Returning to the marriage analogy, while changing spark plugs was a negotiable thing in our marriage, Joannie wouldn’t have married me (nor I, her) if the non-negotiables weren’t met.
Throughout the years, when I’ve fielded negative comments and criticism from church members, 99% of the time, it has been around personal preferences.
I understand this is the nature of our cultural context. But I’ve also experienced people weaponizing feedback by threatening to leave the church if changes aren’t made. I recently replied to such an email and graciously suggested that instead of asking the church to change to accommodate their preferences, they go to the Lord and ask Him to change their heart. It’s much easier to ask someone else to change than to look within and be open to God changing you.
I genuinely believe there are times when the Lord will release you from one church and lead you to another. However, how you choose to leave a church reveals a lot about you.
I have seen people leave a church so upset that they want to verbally burn it down. I have seen people go and begin to spread toxic words about the church they left. I’ve seen people leave a church and tear down the leadership. At the end of the day, the church is comprised of and even led by imperfect people. Sometimes a church and its leadership will disappoint, frustrate and even hurt you (hopefully unintentionally). But the church is still the Bride of Christ, the Household of God, the Temple of God.
I understand much of the time, hurt people (including hurt Christians) hurt people. I have the scars of church hurt, so I know what it feels like to be broken and wounded by brothers and sisters. However, I firmly believe that we should never rake a local church over the coals — heaping words of hostility and ill-intent on them. Also, we should never celebrate the demise of a local church we left but should pray from them instead. Why? Because Jesus died for the Church! Jesus intercedes continually for His people.
Yes, this is easier said than done. But you’ll only do this if you first see what Jesus did for YOU — remembering that your sin has hurt and wounded others. Yet, Jesus still died for you! If Jesus did this for you, you, in return, must show grace and forgiveness to His imperfect bride.
In closing, finding the “right” church can be difficult, and wrestling with staying or leaving a church can be excruciating. I hope and pray for you, my brothers and sisters, that you would commit such a process to the Lord.
Don’t search for a church the way you shop for new clothes. Trust God to guide you, and you’ll find (wait for it … ) the right fit for you and your family.